July Blog Update PT 2

hiya. status report but will say what’s next for me. *shrug* those who want to umm, read can. up to you. things I am doing, plan to do or have done.

Should keep this blog up to date with my mental state. meh. And report back with monthly checks or just go dark.

Can’t say this post will be a bit happier. read at your own warning, I suppose

Let’s get to it, shall we, again?

Bored Waiting GIF - Bored Waiting Annoyed GIFs
https://tenor.com/view/bored-waiting-annoyed-maria-anime-gif-11941791

My Diet and weight lost

As said in my last post. I started to fast and eat one meal or two meals a day and after the meal, I would fast after the meal. It’s probably not the most healthy this to do (And don’t do this.) But I don’t know why I started doing this.

But cause of this. I lost more weight cause this fasting. and to me. It’s not harming me. so I, personally, can keep doing this

My current weight at the moment is 256.2 Ib and my goal is to be 200 Ib or around there or lower

Game Development

So, on Twitter, I gave up Game Development. and while I still may give on on it as it kinda lost a lot of joy.. I have a dumb promise to this fan game that I get it done or die trying, ha ha.

I have been working on the fan game and I will go from there if I want to be a future game dev. I don’t know yet. but who knows. I will keep going till I get this job.

Still trying to find myself

Still trying to find myself but all I see is a blur. It’s unclear but it’s clear to me I don’t know who I am. I can’t find something if it isn’t there. Don’t know what I am looking for to be honest

I guess if I keep looking, I may find something other then a loser, ha ha. ^^ I have been getting better but that’s for another time, I suppose I will keep searching till I find this version of me everyone sees.

I wonder what everyone sees in him, hmm? I want to say before 2020 somewhere along the way, I lost who I am or who I was

Life

What do I want out of life? I’m not all too sure anymore. Going through the motions of life, I suppose. I kinda do and don’t care what happens. I guess before 2020, I was unsure of life to begin with. the thoughts of me blowing out the candle, still bring me some form of weird comfort. Some twisted corrupted form of hope

I suppose I will keep that plan on the back burner. I am still figuring out life and what I want, beside “sleeping” and helping others in minor or major things. It’s the only thing that gives me a sense of joy. I should try cutting fruit one day

Blogging?

I still blog since it is nice to blog how I really feel when others are busy. isolating myself and shutting out the world.. It feels.. Nice, ha ha. It’s nice to vent since I started blogging for me. At least when things becomes bleak, I will have this blogging site.

I can let out how I feel and say what I want to say. when I want to shut out the world I can do it here and let everything flow out.

Streaming on Twitch?

I don’t know about streaming anymore. I just don’t care for streaming anymore. doesn’t feel fun anymore to me. The magic for a lot of things is gone. I guess I never did enjoy streaming.

And seeing as my last stream was a month ago. The magic there is gone. Maybe I will do one last stream and leave twitch. If I don’t enjoy something, no point to it.

Twitter and social media

As you seen, I been pretty quiet on Twitter. not much to say on twitter. just say good morning or reply to friends. I mostly just hang on Discord at this point

Though my twitter is private, I still hang around. I don’t think I will use Facebook or any other media besides Twitter and WordPress for the time being

Plan S

Since my gut feeling was right about 2020 and years before. If 2021 turns out to be true like this gut feeling says. Plan S will go into action. when thou has lost everything and nothing left to lose. when all is gone and nothing for thou to return to. What is plan S? That’s for me to know and you to figure out.

Shakugan No Shana Anime GIF - ShakuganNoShana Shana Anime GIFs
https://tenor.com/view/shakugan-no-shana-shana-anime-embers-gif-17474281

Why I don’t vent to friends?

Simple. They don’t need me whining to them, day in and day out. And a voice says don’t bother them with such petty problems of mine. ^^ And I guess after a while I see my problems and small things as petty and a waste of their time, ha ha. I know friends said I could talk to them but.. I rather pass on to the afterlife then unload my problems onto them

It’s bothering them and with everything else going on. I don’t want to add anymore to their plate, ha ha. ^^ I want to help them and lighten their load, even if it is useless advice from me.

Self review

I’m OnyChaos but I don’t even know who I am anymore, ha ha. but to be honest I never knew who I really was to begin with. I have told myself wonderful lies that I am a amazing lad, and I want to believe these lies

but I started to listen to the truth and the truth is, I’m not that great or special. Too dependent on others when I need someone for hard time, replaceable, petty, useless, failure, loser. A bad friend, worthless, selfish, and a shitty person. I have let down friends, push those away, I have hurt those that were close to me.

I suppose that’s why i’m always sorry. to make up for the things I have done. That’s why I’m always helping people because I know I can never make up for the things I done, so I try, and try to help others laugh or feel better or help out people anyway I can.

It’s funny, when someone is feeling down. I am able to help them but when the person I have to help is me.. I don’t know but I don’t care. helping someone online or anywhere. it’s the only goal I have left, making people laugh or helping. All I done is take but never give. It’s the least I can do to make up.

I have sweet friends but I have long since stop bothering them with my petty needs to play games or voice call on discord / skype. I bothered everyone more then enough. going to wall up my emotions, such petty feelings I have. I guess I am getting ready for when those around me leave like he did, without so much as a goodbye…

I wonder what waits for this “golden soul” after this life. heaven or hell? I wonder If I would even get to see heaven but I guess till then, my candle of life burns dimly. maybe, this future will be better then the one I have seen. alone, sad, and colder then ice.

Shakugan No Shana Anime GIF - ShakuganNoShana Shana Anime GIFs
https://tenor.com/view/shakugan-no-shana-shana-anime-windy-embers-gif-17474286

This is been going on with my life and being fixated on one thought that floats around once in a while. What if, one more candle went out. there no real harm in that, would it since it would be my candle. it brings me joy but confusion. I will end this post here. just gotta smile, ha ha.

History has repeated itself once again, back on this lonely road I walk yet again.

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