Warning: This vent is all over the place but no hard feelings, just needed a place to unwind and release my problems or talk about them
It’s time again for a fun post and an interesting topic from me,
OnyChaos. Why I am no longer competitive or why I stopped being
competitive. Well, let’s see in the old days of CyberScore or when
I joined the competitive side of Cyberscore or gaming, for me was
fun. It was about being better while having fun, you know?
Here the thing. Me
and my friends. Auto and Shiny. We are competitive in smash but we
have fun at the end of the day because having fun is better then
trying to out do someone in a vidya game. And I am fine with people
being competitive but most of the time the environment is toxic and
by proxy it keeps me from playing with other friends.
But being competitive seems to be such a serious thing that some forget what fun is or rather the only fun is beating the other players or fun being wasting hours, days on a game to beat the score by another user that has long since stopped playing.
Long time, no see. It has been a while again. I figured I would make this into a post. There are Tangents in this post. :P
So HyperSonic7701 has suggest that I play Duel Links on Stream so he and others could see how I play or do things in Duel Links. Sounds silly. Me of all people asked to stream duel Links
But the lad was serious, and I have to say that I had no plans on playing Duels Links, let alone playing it on stream. I should give “better” reasons.
With my friends being Yu-Gi-Oh fans, some more than others… People are into duel links or some. I don’t play Duel Links religiously or as my friends do. Just because I play a game doesn’t mean I love it. It’s a thing in this group I don’t like. It’s something that ran it’s course and it’s annoying… Got off-topic here. On to the reasons.
I am never fond of playing games I don’t like
I don’t like playing cards, and even less when I play them on stream. My relationship with Duel Links has been on the rocks and streaming it would either show me a new side to the game or ruin any hope of playing the game in the future.
Being shy when playing games out of my comfort zone
Playing games out of my comfort zone is weird or has been weird. Playing new games on stream is awkward for me. Having a call would normally work if I can bounce off of someone in a call or it will be a waste.
For me, Duel Links boring to me to play.
Right now, Duel Links is in the same boat as Pangya. Playing with friends is a mixed bag. It’s not as fun to play with friends, that is sure
So, I will humor this Idea..Maybe, but If I do this, it will be one off stream. Again, not a fan of cards games, even less so when I stream them.. I will do this with a friend who speaks in call or solo stream it and see what happens.
I really do not see any appeal to me streaming Duel Links is the reason I never streamed it in the first place. Will give this a go, I guess.
I get told I will be the “Next king of games”, and seeing my friends climb the ranks to be KOG. It has showed me that I have no interest in rank nor do I care. If like wasting your time in rank. Have fun. I don’t care for rank. The more I get pushed to do something I don’t like, the more I will not do it.
The only reason I have not uninstall Duel Links yet is cause I have some friends on there and we “play” Friend Duels but even those are starting to be less fun, and I’m not going to invest any more time into this game. It will get the bare minimum of time from me.
Enough with tangents. We will see what happens if I do the one off stream of Duel Links in the coming months or not. What a weird post this was. Part tangent and part post.
Alright. So I was gifted a game. Mini golf Arena. Normally, I like gifts, it’s a way of saying “You’re great” or something to that effect. But sometimes and this may be a strange concept but hear me out. I don’t like some gifts. Shocker, right. Such a strange and weird concept.
So here my deal with mini golf arena. So nothing against it. Well that’s a lie, there is a lot going against it for me but that’s based off Pangya issues which doesn’t help.
I should make this clear. I HAD an interest in golf games when I played Pangya: global fresh up. When the NA server died, my interest died with it. Then when it was time to play Pangya Celebrity, my interest for golf games hit it’s peak and after Pangya Celebrity support died.
From that day onward, I had a low Interest in golf games (But it seems that has not been clear or my lack of “passion” for golf games). I would play Pangya Debug with friends but that’s because, that was the closest thing to playing a MMORPG with these Pangya friends. I would love to play other fun games with them but that’s not going to happen or some just flake out on you. I learn to come to terms that some things I want to do with my pangya friends are never going to happen.
Got off topic but.. Once Pangya Debug died. That was it. After ping ponging back and forth with Pangya games, I want nothing to do with golf games. And one reason I didn’t want Mini Golf Arena is because, I feel that Mini Golf Arena is a fad (In my group of friends), which by the time of the post may have died out.
I thought that me making it clear in the chat was a clear sign that I don’t want this game. And I said I don’t want it. And surely, that should be clear as day.
But as I write this, that wasn’t a clear message so… As they say, “Your words fall on deaf ears” I’m not ungrateful but I didn’t ask you to send me a game I didn’t want. It was on sale for 0.89 cents but so it was not too bad of a price.
I feel you wasted 89 cents on this game. Not only do I not want to play this game that has mixed reviews. This doesn’t boost my interest for golf games. I don’t know who spearheaded this idea to get me this game, but why?
It doesn’t help If I accept gifts that are good or bad. Thanks for the gift? Not going to play it though. After Debug I think I’m done with golf games to last me a lifetime. Here a cool tip for you. The more you want me to do something, the less I will do it.
Seeing as Pangya is now dead in this group. You had a good life.
This long rant got out of hand. But please, in the near future make sure if you send me a game, please ask or I will reject the game
Unironic, Sonic Spinball would been a better gift. Too late though.
Where to start with this topic? I want to give a warning here. While I will reference people. I will not name them. This is my opinion and I want to give my two cents on it.
P.s. If you feel offended, hurt or called out. I’m sorry but it is an opinion. If you take my opinion that is not fact to heart, Why would you do that?
Twitter Witch hunts. What are they? In today’s age. A witch hunt is a attempt where a person or a group or mob, get together to punish said person for their actions. A witch hunt can sometimes feel like a echo chamber.
Why have Twitter witchhunt have me annoyed when they happen more often then they should? It’s because people think they are doing “good” but they are doing more harm then good.
Why are witchhunts bad?
You are gathering a group of people who have the same mindset as you that cause a echo chamber.
You are sending said people to attack or harass someone you dislike
This will make you look like a asshole. And you could screw yourself out of a job or something great. I said “could”
This could backfire on the one who started the witch hunt
The internet will NEVER forget and this “may” bite you in the ass later.
Twitter witch hunts like these only bug me cause I see ton of witch hunts on this person and people just bandwagon on the witchhunt cause it aligns with their narrative and creates this echo chamber that makes it worst.
I won’t lie, I been “apart” of a witch hunt that was started cause someone made fun of their friend or their opinion, and the witch hunt had my friends there.
They blocked and flagged someone cause they were “mean.” Like if you don’t like someone, fine. but to flagged someone’s account because they was mean to a friend is a awful and stupid reason to do that.
I want to say another thing. During these witch hunts or bandwagons. They always say “If you follow X, please unfollow me” or “If you follow X, I will block you for doing so” This is why witch hunts suck.
They are fueled by emotions, not common sense. Like, here the thing. If you hate someone, that’s fine. But to tell your friends or followers that they will be blocked or need to unfollow you cause they follow someone that you don’t like.
I’m sorry but they just makes you come off as a petty asshole. Please do yourself a favor and look at yourself. you are toxic and the real monster. With this rant, you can no doubt tell I am very disappointed in a friend. She is muted but doesn’t care. I won’t block her because I am not a asshole.
Witchhunts can only serve to be a cursed tool that helps no one and harms everyone in the end. It should be used if the person in question is a realdanger to others. I think the worst thing is that these witchhunts are done when the target doesn’t know who this person is.
But as far as it goes for witchhunts. If it fit the narrative that they are trying to push, they will keep pushing cause their narrative is “X is a awful person, and everyone should agree with me.”
Awful reasons to witchhunt someone (Don’t fucking do it)
A feel had his opinion mocked at.
Someone does something you don’t like or you don’t like them.
Trying to fit a narrative of yours
Sometimes during a witchhunt, people from the echo chamber often spread misinformation or rumors in order to make them align with their side. It’s a shame. Sucks I have friends like that. Not gonna name them but won’t be supporting them for a while but they don’t care if I do or don’t.
But the last thing I think is the worst is that witchhunts seem to be a “flavor” of the week. People they don’t like for the “right” or wrong reason ends up being a target of these hunts, and it’s a shame. If it is not one person, it is someone else.
Tumblr…Tumblr…Tumblr. What the fuck? Before I lose my mind, I want to go over what has went down on Tumblr and the such. This is a rant
Update: You can view blog that been banned / shadow banned / flagged by viewing them in your dashboard only
So. Not long ago, Tumblr was removed from the Apple App store for having child / kitty porn on their platform, reblogged by blogs that are run by porn bots. Along with other blogs that promote racist, sexism, misandry, misogyny and neo nazis.. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
After Tumblr was taken off the app store. Tumblr addressed the changes with a long ass post with the title “A better, more positive Tumblr“ which to sum up. Tumblr is removing all / any adult content or any content that may be “inappropriate”
We can thank the CEO of Tumblr, Jeff D’Onofrio. And after this post, Tumblr went dark. There was nothing. No updates, no news, just silent.. And what’s funny here is that a few days after that post, Tumblr was placed back the Apple app store but Tumblr was still going through with this plan to kill off a user base.
So, it has been a long time coming. A end to this rant saga of the speedrunning community. It has been a year, and I want to get this off of my chest. I know what I want to say, and I have a lot to say. This will be my viewpoint, and how I feel towards the community now, as well as other things. This is my experience with the sonic speedrunning community
I should warn you that this is a serious post. as I plan to end this saga, with a bang.
Warning: While reading this post, do take this post with a grain of salt, I will throw shade and I do have my reasons for that. With that being said, let’s start the post.
Editor note: This is me ranting about things, since I really don’t like to use friends as a outlet. If this rant offends you, I’m sorry but It’s a rant. They are never nice, and do take this with a grain of salt. – May 10th
I guess this is it, huh. To think, I saw my self ranting about this community but things change. As you all know, I made a few rants and talked about how I feel towards speedrunning. Most, if not all was mostly negative, but for good reason.
Speedrunning, I feel that speedrunning used to be a special thing. Back then, before it became a normal daily event. it was a simple hobby meant to see how well could you play a game as fast or beat the game within a time frame. Hell, it was something everyone or friends could for fun. You could speedrun, make new friends, learn how a game works.
Back then in 2013. Speedrunning was a special thing. Something I felt was going to get better… Past me was wrong. While drama was normally not in the speedrun circle I was in, I didn’t really start to see how shit things were, because, I was new to speedrunning, and I just went along with what others did. Pretty much, not having a opinion, following orders.
Not all speedrun communities are like this.
But, it was whatever, the community was “friendly”, if you followed along and I noticed that I became a white knight but it was making my ride in the community somewhat ok. I shallowed my pride and went with it. By doing this, I was both fortunately and unfortunately to meet new people within the Sonic speedrunning community and, on Twitch..
It was not till 2015 – 2016 where I saw a new wave of Sonic “Speedrunners” who are super competitive in speedrunning. This is where I started to see these new toxic runners and this made me slowly resent speedrunning and this feeling of resentment would slowly grow over the next 2 years.. This is, of course, the point where I started to have my own opinions of Sonic runners and their actions.
And, at the same time, this was when I sent after by that person’s white knight lackeys because you know… “Opinions are bad” but anywho, I think around mid 2016, I started to not care about speedrunning but then, I saw “friends” speedrunning and, somehow that sparked a weak flame to speedrun run again. But really didn’t enjoy it as much as I used to.
It’s really sad, I had many plans to speedrun with friends and others. I would love to had the chance to speedrun with friends and others. I mean, I could do that but there really is no longer a point to do these speedruns together. I get speedrunners want to get a good time or get a better time. That’s fine
But when, it’s for fun, the mood just dies. Maybe I am too optimistic, I may as well try to catch lighting in a bottle, it’s not gonna happen, unless hell freezes over then, I can keep dreaming, I suppose… Of a day, where we could just race a game for fun. (Sonic 4 all emeralds, while that was not the race I had in mind. It is close to my idea, at the very least. There may be some hope)
White knights and opinions in speedrunning
We all know what white knights are? Right? Ok to make this quick and simple. A white knight is a user that will rush to someone being attacked, this means that said white knight will rush to the aid of someone being attacked, chances are, they did something to earn this but the white knight will defend all their actions to win their favor. That was anything but quick and simple…
Well, you get a idea. I will be mentioning the Sonic Speedrunning Community, as it does house a number of white knights.
So, as I have said before “the Sonic speedrunning community was “friendly”, if you followed along” this is true from what I seen. Two streamers I watch, I noticed a habit and the effect it has.
Test Subject 1. – He seems to follow along with his fellow Sonic speedrunners and does whiteknight them from harm. Funny thing is… I think he knows that some of the shit they do is fucked up. And if, that is the case, it makes this issue much worse than I thought.
When 1 follows along like a puppet or a pawn with no opinions of other runners, the effect is that, more Sonic speedrunners come to him and, it’s awful cause this just gives the Idea. “if you are my friend, then you can do as you please. if, it does not effect me, go ahead.” Normally, I don’t care but I feel this just gives the impression that shit is ok.
And I noticed that the other streamer is not a white knight. Having a opinion of other runners or the community, and not following along seems to be disliked among the Sonic Speedrun community, I know I am talking about the Sonic Speedrun community, but this is a be all, end all rant.
Speedrunning has lost it’s value to me. But, this is just a me thing. I have to say this because, I know people will read this and go “Speedrunning has not lost all value. You are wrong for saying this” Sometimes, people don’t like to read, so I will be sure to make my comment in Bold :V
// I want to get this off of my chest
Before someone says “Don’t open old cuts” I want you to stop right there. This has been on my chest and GOD DAMN, I’m getting this off of my chest
I would like to mention one thing. So, when I had drama with a streamer who threw me under the bus. I went to said friend and made some jokes. But of course, when I made a “Fox season” joke. (Duck Season, Rabbit Season) Somehow, this joke was “inciting” a witch hunt…I swallowed my pride. But I feel that is total Bullshit. This was a simple joke. And the fact that you saw it as “inciting” A witch hunt, is BS.
“Fox Season” Mind you, this is a fucking thing. If you need, no, have to REACH to make a joke. Or what I said, sound like a attack on your friend, that’s pretty sad
I don’t even think it was the joke. Rather, you zero on me, because I made a post of your friend, and you assume I would Incite a Witch Hunt after your friend.
Look, there is protecting a friend, and then, there is being a white knight for someone. This is borderline white Knighting to me, so, it’s fine for them to fuck me over or throw me under the bus, send their lackeys after me, but because they are your friend, and you are in their circle, that makes it fine to do so? 2017. I took a lot of bullshit to the face. Dealt with a lot of Bull Shit and drama and getting fucked over.
There is a lot of shit I will take. Being called a asshole, I can speak my mind and my opinions may be hurtful, But don’t you GODDAMN tell me that I’m trying to incite a witch hunt, let alone assume anything negative about me. I draw the fucking line there when you start assuming negative about me.
That’s a fucking insult to me, and that is made worse to hear someone that you know for a few years, assume the worst of you, cause of a damn “joke” that had no ill will. But, whatever. I thank you. Because of mid to late 2017, I now know where I stand in this community or rather, I know where I stand with you and your “friends” So, this does help.
Look, let’s get your GODDAMN facts right. I don’t do “Witch Hunts” And do not Incite Witch Hunts. I tell my experience, so that someone else doesn’t have to suffer the same fate as me. Don’t you fucking confuse the two. Talking about a experience (Good or bad) vs. inciting a witch hunt. Are two fucking complete things.
So, before you white knight your friends from the “Big Bad Guy” again. Get your fucking facts straight before you assume shit about me.
No, i’m not ending any friendships over this shit. Because while this did hurt more than it should, Someone I looked up to, supported. It really does hurt to have them assume some about you after they known you for a while. It won’t end anything, but I will be keeping a distance from this person, but it makes sense, he knows them longer, by default, he will believe them and any facts or proof about them doing shady things. He turns a blind eye to it.
It’s funny. I wanted to believe that something was not true, but such a stupid Idea of mine. Something like that. Ha, it’s a silly for me to believe. It’s life, nothing will work out as you have planned. it’s whatever. You live and learn. Friends end up being a disappointment to you, one way or another.
I won’t mention who I am talking about. But I will say this, You have never made me mad. I never had a reason to be so mad at you.. I held you at such a high regard, knowing you wouldn’t disappoint me in the future… And I guess really, I’m not mad at him, just a bit disappointed, is all. That’s it, really. just disappointed, to be honest.
I said what I wanted to say that I didn’t say before. This is a rant.
Speedrunning, friends, and livestreaming
I am a “speedrunner” I’m not good at it. And I don’t plan on it. and I know this will or may piss off some friends.
Livestreaming is fun and having people to chat with is more fun. Streaming on twitch.tv and being “In” the speedrunning community before I disliked it. I made a lot of “friends” most of them are speedrunners, Nothing wrong with that. we are a small group of streamers / speedrunners. I notice habits that they have shown. Some I noticed tend to show support to speedrunners. I won’t say who.
Again, that’s fine. You like what you like. I won’t stop you. I am grateful that I have speedrunners as friends. And they do support me when I livestream speedruns… I know I can’t rely on speedrun friends because they want to do their own thing. They don’t want to watch a playthrough on Twitch.tv, they want to see speedruns
I guess, in a way. I really don’t ask friends for help. In a way. I envy these people who get support from their friends but at the same time… I don’t envy them at all. I’m weird.
I guess, in a way. I have a back up plan when I do quit speedruns. Look, I know people say that you can’t quit speedrunning, it doesn’t happen, It’s true to some point. But people say a lot of shit. Doesn’t make it true. People speedrun, because they want to.
Getting off topic… I will save this for later when I quit streaming in the future, but that won’t happen for a while. :P Or become a lone wolf in the future I guess. c:
Things I am not fond of in the Sonic Speedrun Community
I should say this, right now
Sonic Runners and/ or sonic members trying to silent opinions of others
People going behind others back to send their lackeys friends after them
Really do dislike people having this hive mindset
Really don’t like having to go along with the Sonic community to have them be friendly towards me.
I hate this mindset “If you are not friends with my friends, then we can’t be friends anymore”
Sonic runners who turning a blind eye or let some of this shit slide because that person is their friend :v
Sonic runners who are your friends but don’t have your back
But having friends who are speedrunners is good and bad.
You have a new point of view or a new outlook on things by knowing them. You can understand new things, rather that’s good or bad, is up to you.
By having friends as speedrunners, I saw a new outlook on life and things. I had laughs, good times
But on the other side of coin. I seen drama from friends that made me keep my distance
I seen how they can be, made me question, if I made a right choice or not.
But for this, the good outweigh the bad, just by a bit. :P
The end of a saga…
So, I guess, this is where I tell you how I really feel about speedrunning. I still resent speedrunning, is what, I would have said. As I wrote this I started to have different thoughts… It dawned on me. I didn’t resent speedrunning but rather, I have resentment towards the Sonic Speedrun Community.
It used to be my home, If I had no opinion and followed along, it would be a friendly place for me to stay but I choose to not follow along, I choose to have opinions of others, I choose to not be some sheep. But this was the main reason why “Sonikmage” or “Soniksama” is gone, This is the reason why all my ties have been cut with the Sonic Speedrun Community members.
I guess in someway, this was bound to happen. While, I am disappointed on how things turned out. I did learn a few things. I guess, to end on this note. I did have “good times” when I was apart of this community. Made some questionable fake acquaintances, made some good friends, lost some “friends” when I changed from “Sonik” to “OnyChaos”. I feel losing those friends, I’m better off without them.
My final note on speedrunning
Speedrunning of late has changed, for the worst, It used to be about going to see how fast you can go in a game and improving one’s time while having fun with friends, and even with strangers.
The environment was friendly and welcoming, you can or could have fun speedrunning, but now, the speedrun environment has become a toxic and unwelcoming environment, in my eyes. all the In-fighting or all this backstabbing in the community or ton of drama that spreads about useless shit, people getting offended over things and shit, friendships coming and going before they can fucking start.
Oh, I hear you now. “Well, you don’t need to be in a community” I don’t, but then, what would the point be than? Being a part of a community is suppose to feel like a home away from home. A place where you could escape life for a bit and talk with your friends and escape bullshit and drama. A area where you could relax from life, even if it is a short haven.
No one seems to try to have fun in the Sonic speedrun community, I can’t blame them, it’s a toxic environment that rewards those who are super competitive and only want to be number one. I used to be like them but i saw what was speedrunning doing to me. Speedrunning can be fun, if you speedrun with friends.
I will not deny that, the Sonic Community, and speedrunning Community has done a lot. They have done some good. I want to get this out the way cause I know someone will read this and get offended. :v
I guess the real take away from this is… Speedrunning is fun to do. It can be a blast. Just don’t put all your time into one community or it will blow up in your face. And don’t be shocked if some acquaintances cut ties with you in the future. I still like speedrunning. But the way I view speedrunning, is in a negative light.. Is that fair? No.
End of the Saga to Sonic speedrunning community ranting…
It’s now over… A community I was in, supported through thick and thin by whatever means, and cheered on, when it was the underdog. The Sonic Community, a place I did see as my home away from home, when I was “Apart” of it. Now, the Sonic speedrun community, a community, I now resent. How things have changed. Something I used to love and cared for, now I resent it with a passion…
Hey… If you somehow made it to the end of this long ass rant and did not get offended / mad or disappointed at this rant. Well done. You get a Sonic 4 Any% race. it’s May. Everything I have bottled up from 2016 – 2017 and up to now, was dumped into this massive rant.
As I write this. I feel like giving the Sonic Community one last chance. But I doubt my impressions towards them will be changed. hey, anything can happen, I suppose… Not gonna unblock them though :x
I am still grateful for the friends i have made and still have now. And while I don’t always agree with them on some matters or choices, I do respect them and still grateful of them sticking with me, during my rants.
if this rant somehow is the one to break the camel’s back to end the friendship with me, I guess it will show me where I stand with them, I suppose, it was meant to end. :v
P.S You know who you are. I would not do it, if I were you. >_>
Ah, Twitter. Something I wanted to talk about or mention a bit. Let’s start as I want to talk about 2 features on Twitter.
I want to talk or rant about these features, so let’s start. I’m Sonik the edge-lord and hope you enjoy this post or like it.
This may be a short post.
So Twitter is a magical place. Full of life and opinions and so much. And Facebook, on the other hand, is ummm. Think of Facebook as a site where Parents go there to talk about nothing really.
Here, this clip sums up Facebook well. If you love and/or like Facebook, more power to you. To me, it’s not very important to me.
This is pretty serious / dark of a rant, it’s not aim at anyone. Take this rant / vent with a grain of salt. I been wanting to say this for a while, normally, I would add some type of pictures that would be a meme but not today..
As you read this, this was the result of my mental breakdown and depression, paired with stress and low sanity with a lack of sleep or unable to sleep.
What the fuck happened to our generation of people? What the fuck happened to us as a whole? Where are the days where we had thick skin? Or where did the days go where sharing one’s opinion would be eye opening in a good way?
When did our generation become so twisted and messed up? We take a step forward to only to take 3 steps back? Or when did drama stop being the only means to end a friendship or start dumb shit?
How did we get here? Are we doomed to just fall from grace? I feel like everything we do is hopeless…It’s funny.. The thought of me being a pessimist is funny, I’m such a “optimist” I feel like such a joke. I guess I had to take off my rose colored glasses at some point..
I feel like everything I do blows up in my face non-stop, it’s almost perfect… I’m damn if I do or don’t. I want to make friends but I hate getting fucked over. Everytime I want to mean well, life laughs in my face and it backfires.
Maybe, I am better off not caring about anyone but that will just make me a cold hearted bastard. This is a generation I can’t win? How can I win being myself? Maybe everything I have done up to this point has been a GOD DAMN LIE!
I put myself last as my friends come first to me and that always blows up in my face, that is great. I just don’t know anymore. ANYTHING can end a “friendship” It’s like walking on a minefield and I don’t get it..I just don’t get it anymore..I really don’t and it’s depressing as all hell..
What can I even do? I feel like being myself or being me is good and only good for getting me in trouble with anyone, and I really do feel like being “ME” is not worth it.. Do I just wear a fake smile to keep people happy? The answer would seem to be yes.
I feel like the point of things I did is gone. What is the point of doing things if it will push people away. I feel like leaving social media as a whole would be for the best at this point.
It really does feel pointless cause it will just happen again, I am just doomed to upset people and that is a fact….I will end up doing something and watching it blow up in my face..
I could rant or vent on twitter and be open book about my true feelings and be blunt, but all that will do is annoy people and hurt them and just stress me the fuck out again.
I could share my thoughts but that is going to do is cause me more problems and stress but stress is always great…Oh wait, it’s not
I feel like no matter what I do, say or try. Something ALWAYS GOES WRONG, IT ALWAYS GOES WRONG. It would be funny if something could go right…But I am too hopeful. I could try my best to not hurt someone but still end up hurting someone..
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. To be honest, there is no halfway here. I will say it again. What the hell happened to this generation? Drama was the only means of losing friends back then.
But now having a different opinions, ranting, overthinking something or anything really is enough to lose friends or start shit these days and it’s sad to know that it now takes almost no effort to lose a friend.
And I lost more friends before in the past and it’s great to know that it’s simple to lose friends by being yourself but it’s not great and it fucking sucks..
And that hurts the most that knowing I could hurt someone by ranting or being “myself” I can push someone away cause of that.
Before anyone says “This is life, get out of your bubble.” I guess this is my wake up call for me to see this world in a negative light. What can I even say or do without upsetting someone, I don’t fucking know..I just don’t know but I’m ready to give up.
I feel like the only haven left where I can’t hurt anyone or upset anyone with me around is tumblr.. But that won’t last. I’m just stressed and depressed. If you want to talk to me I think it’s best for me to stay away from Social media for the time being.
If you are reading this on Twitter. Don’t do anything on my behalf. But don’t expect me back on Twitter or Twitch or Discord for a while. I am sorry that I have been like this. I just think this is a better option to stay away.
After my mental break, I’m in a really bad place. I don’t know how stable I am at the moment or if I am “stable”, so, Social media would be a very bad idea.
NO, I’m not playing victim. I have always seen myself as a failure and a fuck up but I hide my emotions from everyone, which is why you think I am a “Nice guy” or a “asshole”
But, you know I tend to fuck up. But that’s me. I am just lost but I doubt you care but that’s ok. I’m not worth the time anyway. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up from, but it’s not. It’s life, and with life, you never know what you do could upset someone or hurt someone till it’s too late.
And I was really on edge, the fact I had no sleep for these past days, since I couldn’t sleep anymore and being stressed out to the breaking point didn’t help
Sigh, now in to darker parts of my mind.
I would see normally see a silver lining in this mess I made, but I don’t see any silver lining here. If no one is mad, great but I am still a fuck up. A failure who ends up saying dumb shit. My rants are worthless, My thoughts are stupid, like me. I love being called a great friend… I am no great friend. I’m a piece of shit.
I am like the “Daisy Trash” meme, I am trash and I should be in trash.. I don’t get why you call me a friend or a good friend or follow me..I’m not normal like most, why bother with me, to be honest. You are wasting your time. I’m not normal, I’m not original, I’m not even funny or fun.
I’m dull and boring. I’m weird, I don’t do anything special, i’m just a nobody.. If I get back on Twitter, I will just lose another friend or come close to losing a friend or upset someone else and will just show how much of a failure I really am.. I don’t know why keep trying at this point, I should delete everything but I won’t. Holding on to what little of sanity I have left, is keeping me from deleting everything and it’s keeping me from doing something stupid.
Maybe I should just be a emotionless person with a fake smile, I am sure that will make things better and make people happy, if people are happy then that’s what matters to me.
Friends say I should tell them my problems, would that really do anything? No, It would only make their day a little worst or it would make some worry for no reason and I can’t have that. But I’m just being a pessimist about that. And maybe open up to those I trust.
Maybe…Just maybe, I could “win” by not being myself, I am so tired of things blowing up in my face but being emotionless then I can no longer upset anyone or hurt friends anymore.
When the hell did subtweeting become a new means to losing a friend or upsetting anyone..? People sub tweet all the time and they stay friends afterwards. Maybe, I am better off making a new protected account, this way, I can’t hurt anyone or friends with my worthless rants and dumb thoughts or my bad opinions.
But I can’t do anything right and I guess that’s why I don’t want to make friends cause I know when I open up to them and be the real “me”, it will push them away or upset them or I end up hurting those I care and then they are gone, like they were never here..
I seen comments like “They are not good friends” They are good friends..I’m the problem here. Me, not them. I am just unlucky one here.
You could rant about me or vent about me or even sub tweet about me and the most I would do is feel annoyed but I wouldn’t choose to end my friendship over that cause real friends wouldn’t let petty words bother them to such a way that it ends a friendship.. But maybe that is some made up fantasy I dream of everyday….
Which I look, just like my fantasy, I don’t fit in nowhere. Twitter, Twitch, Discord, Facebook. If I was somewhat normal, then I could fit in but that feels like a nightmare. I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s a nagging feeling that bothers me, no matter where I go on social media.
I always push those away when I be myself, do I fit in this world? No, not really. Each year that comes, I lose friends or best friends and people say “it’s their loss”, but it’s mine loss in the end of the day. They come and then go, nothing I can do but just sit by and watch.. It’s going to happen, everyone is going to go, sooner or later, and it will be my fault. I will be the reason they leave. And I will be all alone, a failure needs- No, a failure has no friends, a failure like me deserves to die alone and be forgotten.
When the day come where people can fit in anywhere, share their opinions without worry of starting fights or drama. Hell, being able to share their thoughts or even rant or vent about others without fear of losing one dear to them because they didn’t have thick skin
A place where I could even fit in. A place where there is no drama over having complete different opinions, where sub tweeting would be there as a means to vent or rant.
A world where those who are famous will put their friends first and not last.. Where friends are no longer seen as tools but as people or human beings among other people that all have a purpose in this life.
A place where we don’t get tossed under the bus and forgotten like trash,
Maybe one day, we can grow thick skin and no longer just take things at face value, be able to have longer lasting friendships… But no such place exist and it WILL never exist. It’s one dream that will never come true no matter how much you wish for it. It’s false hope like being a optimist, you’re only lying to yourself… Like I been doing my whole life as being a optimist.. I thought being a optimist would make life better for me but it was a beautiful lie, at the very least..
Well, I will see how things play out, I don’t see anything good happening anytime soon. Assuming I don’t delete anything in the time frame. I just need time to think what I want to do and time alone.
I’m not mad at anyone, I am just mad at myself. I hate myself for being trash and useless and I’m a failure to my friends and girlfriend and a insensitive idiot..
I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart to anyone I hurt deeply or upset anyone and for the things I said and done. You won’t see me for a while on any social sites till I am stable enough… I guess I was never ok, putting on a mask and smiling helps make the pain go away, only for so long..
Don’t worry, I’m alive but I’m “meh”, if anyone asks. Like I said before…Just thinking what I want to do with my life when I feel somewhat better and mentally stable again.
So, in the time being, you won’t find me online anywhere, don’t bother or worry yourself. During this time, I’m focusing on getting better and learning game development and taking a break from twitter / social was much needed. Give me a week, I should be mentally stable by then, if not, then, more time may be needed.
If I post this, then 3 or 4 days have passed since. Meaning, what you see may not be the current. Or may be outdated. But think of a status update. This will be the only time you will ever see what’s truly on my mind, or if I have another mental breakdown..
My breakdown has ended, I am in a “better” state of mind,
but I am still too unable for the time being. Still depressed to some point but working on it.
I should make this clear, I’m not looking for sympathy by posting this, The stuff I done and say earns me no sympathy
in any way, shape or form.
I can only hope that this won’t get taken at face value or
misinterpret. I stand by everything I said. I am trash. And I’m sorry again. I fear that this will bring me more trouble then wanted, I can only assume the best here. right?
I will answer all DMs / Discord pms and messages when I get back to my stable self. (If there is any)
Now, goodbye, from the edgelord. Take care and be safe all.