Alright. This blog post will be unlike the other blog posts and more over the place. Time to face my demons. This blog post won’t be seen by the person I want sadly. And something that weighs on my mind all to way back to 2021-2019, and I dare say even 2015. Doubt, thinking far into the future, and living in the past for comfort. And my mini breakdown on Twitter.
No one is at fault here.
Let’s clear something up. This is here to give an understanding of how I think, maybe.
Doubts. I have doubts that they go well online. I try to push these thoughts back that things will be ok, but my thoughts only come back stronger. I know whatever I do, friendships, relationships, something comes to warn me that they will end.
It is either I doubt my friend will be there in the future or that I never deserve anything good. When good things happen, these thoughts follow. It’s a harmful cycle that I hope to break free of it.
But even then, I have doubts it won’t go well. Most of the doubts come true, and I begin to wonder if these are even doubts anymore but a look into my future with whatever I doubt. It’s funny since I had dreams that gave me a peak into my future.
Thinking too far into the future has been a flaw of mine. It’s either too far in the past or too far into the future. Never the present. I look to the future as it is more important than the present. It is a harmful mindset, but looking into the future.
I see the future as something better, but I stay too focused on it that it does me more harm than good. What would happen if this changed or that changed? What would life be like if I can’t help but focus on the future?
And living in the past. One who lives in the past has no future, or along those lines. What my friends and ex told me. Something I laughed off as silly, but then I started to live in the past as it gave me a sense of comfort when friends I held close started to change.
Then it was not until I started to live in the past more as life began to change for the better and worst. And I would say for both as I recall past events fondly and gain comfort and peace at the cost of creating a harmful bubble, so to speak.
Why am I mentioning this? Well, now I am no longer lost in the past. I can explain while I am not depressed for the time being.
So during the breakup, I knew it was coming, and during that breakup, I fell into a deep depression that lasted 2 years and is somewhat still going on. I took to going to live in the past as a haven where depression and suicidal thoughts were running wild.
Why? Because I would delete everything and start over fresh, but I couldn’t given this was someone who had seen almost everything about me for a decade. And you imagine the horror that I couldn’t erase everything I made anymore.
During that time, my parents were in a feud, I was all alone, covid happened, lockdown began, and it was a dark time. And then 2021 happened. My grandmother had covid. She showed signs of brain fog, and on top of everything prior, that sent me over the edge and I cracked.
This sent me into a total system failure. Not only had I disappointed /hurt a close friend and couldn’t delete anything without feeling guilty, but living in the past got worst by making me more depressed /suicidal. I had suicidal thoughts but would be too scared to act on them, but they gave me a twisted sense of comfort.
“Is it really a good thing I’m alive? It would be better if I wasn’t.” or “There is not much reason for me to be alive. Stop being scared, and do it! No one will notice besides family.” Some of the suicidal thoughts would ring often. It was tempting at first.
And what followed was a string of negative blog posts, to say the least. Each blog post was awful, bitter, and spiteful, and I do not know what I wrote in some of those blog posts.
The only one I roughly remember was where I said I should stay away from my ex because it felt like it was for the better. After all, it seems like I made the day worst by talking to her from impressions, and I’m sure talking to an ex is awkward.
I guess seeing my ex grow is good and it is a good thing that she grows and changed. I saw my ex through the lens of the past. She has a good life now and I have to let go. She has her own friends and I can’t keep holding on to the past.
I should be happy for my friend, and I am, but I should be happy that my ex is growing without me as a person, and I should not drag her down with my whining as it has got old, and I do not want her friends to see me talking to her. Who I became is a person who lost the right to be her friend, And I lost that right. I am sorry she had to deal with me.
It wasn’t till I was playing Minecraft dungeons with an old friend that I learned that all of my friends are not the same people I knew, and I guess that is when it clicked for me that I have been living in the past for too long. Believing that things could ever return to normal is a delusion I have created and a delusion I have lived in for far too long.
People have lives, and people work. They are not static NPCs but humans that change over time. We have complex emotions that grow with us. And I have to accept that friends will outgrow me and that I will and can be replaced by better people. And that is ok because I accepted that now. Time waits for no one. Alive or not.
I had a lot of friends, and I lost a lot of friends to my emotions. I live in the past because it is where I can be happy but on the same coin. The past is dead. The past is who we were by proxy, and the people I knew are dead.
It is hard to take that step knowing all the friendships and great times will end. Sooner or later. I know all my friends I made will leave in the end.
My friend or ex-friend, if she is disappointed by me. She has seen me at my complete worst. It’s funny. I have nothing to say to justify how I acted. And if she blocked me on all media. I can’t say I blame her. I burned a lot of bridges. No amount of me saying sorry will do anything.
Me reacting the way I did during my breakup by deleting everything while being hurt and depressed was not healthy. But I suppose. I’m here now, huh? The bed is made, and I have to lie in it. All I can do is accept that most of my friends will move on or have moved on. And as much as I hate it. I have to move on with life. And leave the past behind me and accept it. I think living in the past is something I no longer can do as it creates a bubble of a bygone time. And it only helps to make me depressed in the end.
The more I try to hold on to my friends, the more I push them away. In that sense, I have become toxic. It is hard to let go of the past when people is a part of your life for so long. To watch them grow without you and see they don’t need you anymore is bittersweet, but that is a Taurus brain for you. It is sad it took me time to realize this. It is time I stop putting my self-worth onto other people and truly focus on myself.
I held on to the past for so long because it gave comfort. It is hard to let go of the past and move forward, knowing everything will change. I held on to the past for so long it only gives discomfort now.
But that is all I wanted to say. I will go back to delete some of those negative blog posts. Thank you for reading, and see you later.
Ony's chaos realm 
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