Hiya. Just another blog update that is happy and a lot to talk about and dump out all my feelings. These are good feeling though. And I should talk about old stuff and new stuff
Well. It’s October, and when I say there is a lot to talk about. There is a lot of stuff and finding myself and what not. So this “may” be a super long post that may take a few days but probably be done in 2 days.
Happy update, I promise.
Moving new update
Due to changes in life / plans. we will be moving in 2021 Late January. The first house that my family found had a bug problem. Roaches living there. and with my family older and my uncle healing still, we rather not risk our health
So, the family have been looking for a new house and hoping to fix the credit score so we can get a new house but that is unknown at the moment.
Elsword thundercry guild
I noticed the guild started to fall apart after Shaive or Sckyall left the elsword guild and guild server, and rin’s server. I already knew in the back of my mind that the guild soul had left.
Then CrimCrim also left the guild then each week or month, more would leave or Rin or Reis (Dai) would kick inactive members in a already dying server / guild
And seems Rin has left the guild. There is no seem, she did. But Rin kept her word. She said she could leave at any moment and that moment has came. I can’t say I felt anything. The guild has became somewhat cold, unwelcoming lately, to me anyway.
What was once a fun active server has turned into a shell of it’s former self when I joined. The magic that I felt here has died out. And some people I talked to left. The only reason I’m still in the server, is for Tez and a little bit for Ultimate. But if Tez leaves, I will probably leave as well
Progress in learning clickteam
I been learning how to use clickteam. I know how to make cutscenes in the program. I believe I know how to make my own game that is not a Sonic game. :P I know all the tips and know how to do anything I want in this engine.
I probably will make some big projects after this Sonic fan game. Progress on the fan game is going good but slow. I will try to speed up the game progress. The first level is almost done
I found myself?
I think I was able to find myself but the answer is not simple. I would like to think it’s not simple. I found myself in other friends is the only way I can put it to be honest.
What do I mean by that. Friends that I trust and hold dear to my heart. I attach my being and self worth onto that person but in turn, this gives me my identity. Something I done over the years.
This has a huge drawback. If the person in question happens to just leave. A part of me leaves as well, and I suppose this is dangerous because doing this over x number of years. I have no identity, my identity is through my friends. But friends end friendships, drift apart or abandon you. It may be wise to stop emotionally attaching my self to friends.
Now that I found myself. I should try to work on myself and stop attaching myself to people. Because who knows what may happen. I will pull back up this ice wall around my heart until I rebuild myself.
Playing Genshin Impact
Been playing Genshin Impact lately, and It is a fun game. Even though it is a gacha game. It’s still fun to play, and more fun with friends. I got pretty far into the game and it’s way more fun than Elsword
I have pictures of my progress
The RNG in Genshin Impact is not too bad at the moment.
My Uncle stated when he gets well, he gonna take me places and help find me a nice girl to meet when we go out on the town. Maybe I may find someone I can talk too and you know have someone. Cause for me. It’s not about love anymore.
It’s about having a partner who is there for you or you be there for them. Someone who you can share things in common with. Because friends come and go like the wind at any moment.
Sit down, and allow me to tell you a sad tale of how things came to be. A tale that almost had a bad end but had a different outcome*
The start of 2019 October. There was infighting within the family. Something always happening. The home space was negative. So we had to move to Texas. Isolated from family. No one up here we know. We have 2 people was apart of our family but want nothing to do with us. And they are strangers.
But knowing that. I had high hopes. I had friends to talk. Bet, Auto, Shiny, so many others. While my family was in Ohio. Things was looking up for the loser.
March comes around and shit hits the fan with the virus (covid-19 or coronavirus), hard. People I talked often started to drift away. Those I enjoy talking just started to drift off. Those that had jobs were no longer around. those that I called in voice calls or skype were gone.
I started to have doubt about a lot of things but I kept hope alive in the hopes that I would be able go back to normal and call people like the good old days but then each month after March got worse and worse but kept my hope alive.
Then that faithful day came where the flame of hope got snuffed out and I was left with a cold dark void where I started to think of ways to take my own life but had at the back of my mind that I know Hell waits for me. The thought made me happy at the time and still does to some point.
You could say I lost everything and felt lost and abandoned by everything and everyone. felt alone, worthless and standing at the ruins of everything I once had.
after that month I would go into my depression and come out to only fall deeper into the hole. I felt a lot of emotions during this time. Hated life and everything. I started to feel hatred toward my friends but whenever those feelings towards my friends came up, I redirected those feelings to myself which made me feel worse.
Later this month. two thoughts came to my mind. Me Taking a lot of pills or a less painful one. Thought about trying to selling my soul to have temporary happiness again, since those who sold their soul got what they wanted at a cost. I didn’t go through with either but…The option was there for me as a last ditch effort.
You are now up to date with my life.
So here I am. A laddy that is fixing himself after losing everything. I use to be very talkative on twitter. Why am I still on Twitter? One person. My best friend.. I am here.
Should they leave in the near future or I feel I am no longer needed on social media, I will also leave or make a new twitter and leave “Onychaos” behind as a memory. Will probably be the latter of the two choices
I still talk* to her or Tweet to her. As much I would love to talk to her again in Skype.. It’s never going to happen. I know she can’t with how things are but I also got the hints when asking.
Maybe one day in 2021, she might just @ me and say “let’s have a call” but i’m being too hopeful, I suppose. Why I never ask to call anymore since it’s a no but I know why it is a no. I won’t bring her up again.
She is living her busy life and it’s time I take the hint and leave her alone since I feel I don’t do anything but be a unnecessary burden to her plate. She can DM me or @ me if she has questions
Been learning to fake hope till I believe it. I have hope again that things will get better and go back to normal. I’m less suicidal and my suicidal thoughts of killing myself or harming myself have gone away or are under control.
Such a shame that Bet and everyone had to see me in such a state of mind for a few months. it’s pretty sad how I handled my emotions. They got way out of hand and almost did harm, if they didn’t already.
I guess going forward I will try not to attach myself to people and I know doing this might make me a cold person in the future, I will attach myself to close friends.