August Blog Update PT 2

Hey, here is a part two to the August blog update. near the end I say what’s on my mind and how I been feeling. but there is more good then bad

gets dark again near the end. if you don’t like sad things, don’t read where it says the warning.

My uncle is getting well

After the attack on his life, he has been in the hospital and had to get surgery but from what my family has told us, he is getting well, he can’t speak at the moment but is alive. The people who tried to take our uncle life may be put behind bars.

Our uncle has done some things that got him to this point but that was the only way to have a roof on his head, although a dangerous lifestyle. his stuff has been placed somewhere safe. He will be coming up here to Texas since those who tried to take his life know he is still alive.

So, this will be odd. we can’t go back to Ohio once our uncle comes up here with us, since we will be a target But he is getting well. I’m praying for my uncle.

Anime Neko GIF - Anime Neko Kawaii GIFs

Our [ThunderCry] guild leader in elsword got the raid weapon

Our leader (Ultimate / DuoRulersM) of the Elsword NA guild [ThunderCry] has got the raid weapon in elsword. The strongest weapon at the moment you can get from varnimyr raid / Rosso Raid

Trying to get the raid weapon has been hard. And the guild can’t do normal raid yet with the guild members since we are probably not strong enough. But story raid is there to help out those who want to do raid but can’t get in.

But this will fuel me to only get stronger and hope I can get the raid weapon from story since no one will take me into normal raid. I can only hope for the best, I suppose. maybe when the increase chance patch to getting the raid weapon to drop comes out, I may be able to get the weapon then.

My Ain main

Learning to cook more stuff

Not much to do, I have been cooking dinner every night or most nights. learning how to cook somethings I never cooked or make something new when cooking. I learned to cook fish, the right way.

About to learn to cook salmon. relearned to make burgers, though one burger was raw, so it had to get canned. I know how to cook steak, roast beef, cornbread, chicken, and a lot more

However, when I was cutting onions for the steak, I almost cut myself, was a weird rush of adrenaline, for me. I am always safe but this one time, I was not safe. Funny how life works.

I made Steak with Onions, and some canned greens. My steak was done for the most part. Some parts were undercooked which ruined 25% of the steak sadly. The rest was put into the trash

Anime Cooking GIF - Anime Cooking GIFs

Keeping to myself

keeping my problems, big or small to myself, and lying to people and friends alike. I will just blog about my problems and only when things get out of hand or to a dangerous point in my life, I will tell people or friends my problems but playing with the idea of my life is interesting. snapping like a stick

But if I have any problems I will blog about them. when I stop blogging about my problems, it means I reached a phase where blogging doesn’t help anymore and I go silent on social media and after that point, life is but a gamble for me.

Kickstarted Plan S

Alright, I was planning on saving this plan for 2021 but I have changed that plan and kickstart this plan sooner then later.

I suppose this plan could have a dangerous side effect but I will cross that bridge when I get to it, I suppose. So what is going to happen. I am going to do one simple thing, and that is going to be deleting accounts or websites. If a site or account can’t be deleted for some reason, it will be cleared of any info, and abandoned.

If for some reason Plan S turns into a plan erase. Then I guess that could become a problem, no? but enough talk, let’s begin.

Accounts on the path of ruin:

  • backloggery
  • CyberScore Forums
  • listography
  • (Probably will delete this or delete records*)
  • DeviantArt alt and main
  • Twitch alt
  • pastebin
  • Facebook accounts and by proxy, Instagram (Thinking of abandoning both as well, being there no one really notices if I left or deleted the accounts) I made no promise to stay on facebook but I’ll see what will happen. It’s better I leave the sites and never come back
  • Skype (I will abandoned this account 7 months in 2021, if there is no longer a use for it by then. if I don’t delete it, I will abandoned it. if 2022 happens and has no use then, I will delete the account)

Why am I doing this? I guess I want to try to erase everything I no longer care about. or setting it ablaze and watching it all burn to the ground. Is this self destructive? Yes. three or four things will be gone.

There are some things I will never bring back once I watch them burn away. And If I do, it’s under a very rare condition for someone

Anime Fire GIF - Anime Fire GIFs

now rather or not this turns south and I end up deleting all my accounts later down the line is unseen for the moment. But for the time being, you can find me on Twitter if you need or find me on discord if you need me.

If by some chance I go and do the rest of Plan S and erase everything I build up. you can find me on twitter at the very least for the time being, till I disappear. I know this is a dangerous game I’m playing but let’s see what happens, ha ha.

Moving somewhere else

In a few weeks, we will be moving to a new place with our uncle in Texas. Moving to Ohio is no longer a option anymore. Not a safe one anyway. So once again the job is pushed back yet again. And another step to this metaphor cliff I go.

Blogging even more

Which no one to really talk to. Blogging is all I have left. Sad. But I don’t want to talk to anyone since I’ll just whine and be a pest. but cause of that, I been blogging more.

At least it’s good to know I will stay active somewhere. Blogging, while it doesn’t bring me complete joy. it does give me some form of comfort when I talk about things

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More progress on coding stuff

While working on my sonic fan game. I been working on making other programs. one being a gacha like tool / system

Gacha like system – Made in Clickteam 2.5+

This is a super basic engine that will be turned into something more advanced in the future. I may share the files where others can use it if they like or wish.

My first level is almost done but still needs more work but slowly getting there. But I reached a point where I can code anything I want in Clickteam. I will need some help with some things but I can make whatever I wish now.

Watched BlueSpheres random race

I watched HyperSonic7701’s stream and MastaKirby’s stream on BlueSpheres. I have to say, wanting to join this Bluespheres race has turned me completely off from it. I wanted to join cause it looked fun at first. but the more I saw of it, the more I started to see that this is not for me.

The idea that you can spend a crazy amount of time on some stages is not fun. The idea on paper is ok but in action, no. I like random things but I like being able to change random things. And I rather not waste time on one stage to have another stage that is the same or worse.

If Hyper or Masta stream, I will watch them but joining them, no. I rather make my own random game mode then play bluespheres that makes / gives poor level layouts

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Playing Elsword

Been playing Elsword and Animal Crossing since there is nothing else to really do. Been getting stronger in elsword. My friend A.D has stopped playing but at this point. she too far been behind, and me helping her would no longer do her any good since she has to be strong to the solo dungeons but she only plays when she calls me on skype. and she is too far behind in content. you have to keep up or get left in the dust.

I can still help her but she is gonna have to learn to play or quit since to do the rest of the content, you need 3rd job and with how long she plays. she may have to quit with how much she has missed that can help her out in terms of events.

I think it was best that I left the friend guild. It was made when the power gap was not too wide and we could at least catch up but now. the power gap has got too wide and being the only active member.. No thank you. If I stayed in that group, I would have been weak and never would been this strong..

I will keep moving on with or without A.D. And I want to get strong to help others and myself.

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Status report: Warning

I’m stable*..And I feel better. That’s a lie otherwise there would be no report. I’m doing ok slightly. not happy since only one thing makes me happy but that’s harmful. while I still get these awful thoughts. these negative feelings I been getting feel weird it makes me want to delete everything, even delete myself. these feelings are so bitter, and so negative, I just want to be happy again.. I miss being happy and not faking being happy.

These feelings make me want to break a promise I made to stay alive. It’s hard I suppose.. it’s so hard to hang in there but so easy to let go, and give up. these few weeks or months have been anything but kind. I’m just so tired of trying to hang in there. I am almost ready to give up this fight and blowout my birthday candle one last time.

It’s getting real hard for me to find hope in 2020 but I stopped caring if I find hope later on. If I truly get to the point where i’m planning to do something dangerous, I will delete or wipe out every account I have before hand. better to leave nothing behind.

not a lot for me to be happy about anymore, a lot for me to be sad / depressed about. why am I bothering trying? day in and day out, my mood. one day happy* the next wanting it to be finally over. One of these days may be my last. these bitter negative feelings or thoughts are going to get the best of me one day and I will be so happy and not feel like shit

but I’m so scared to act on these feelings and thoughts. always playing at the edge of the cliff though everyday, I edge closer and closer to breaking this promise

I suppose that’s another reason why I been so quiet on social media.. I just been contemplating a lot of things and wondering what’s worth it in the end, I suppose. Think of this section as a little “note” should anything happen.

It’s still funny that me.. a guy that is suppose to be happy go lucky, so happy, and cheerful, is now flirting with the grim reaper or rather is welcoming him.

Why am I like this? Life got me down and won. I feel beaten, defeated.. So many times has life beaten me in the past but I got back up cause I had a safety net that no matter how bad or uncertain things got, there was a ray of hope that it will get better no matter how bad things, no matter what happened or went down, things would look up

But it’s gone. The ray of hope, the safety net. there is nothing waiting for me. all the doors to a better future are closed. I am told there is something great waiting for me. Don’t know why I’m still here, it’s hopeless for me to keep pressing on..yet I’m still doing it to see maybe if they are right.. and I haven’t found a quick way of doing things

there is a better me out there who can do everything I can do but better. Don’t know when I’m set on acting on these feelings but the moment I do and can go though on acting on these feelings or thoughts, you will know. everything I have buildup will be gone / wiped clean

tick tock tick tock. this has been on my mind. each month, see what’s going on..see what has been building up

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found 2 ways to be happy.