A long rant / vent.

This is pretty serious / dark of a rant, it’s not aim at anyone. Take this rant / vent with a grain of salt. I been wanting to say this for a while, normally, I would add some type of pictures that would be a meme but not today..

As you read this, this was the result of my mental breakdown and depression, paired with stress and low sanity with a lack of sleep or unable to sleep.

What the fuck happened to our generation of people? What the fuck happened to us as a whole? Where are the days where we had thick skin? Or where did the days go where sharing one’s opinion would be eye opening in a good way?

When did our generation become so twisted and messed up? We take a step forward to only to take 3 steps back? Or when did drama stop being the only means to end a friendship or start dumb shit?

How did we get here? Are we doomed to just fall from grace? I feel like everything we do is hopeless…It’s funny.. The thought of me being a pessimist is funny, I’m such a “optimist” I feel like such a joke. I guess I had to take off my rose colored glasses at some point..

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I feel like everything I do blows up in my face non-stop, it’s almost perfect… I’m damn if I do or don’t. I want to make friends but I hate getting fucked over. Everytime I want to mean well, life laughs in my face and it backfires.

Maybe, I am better off not caring about anyone but that will just make me a cold hearted bastard. This is a generation I can’t win? How can I win being myself? Maybe everything I have done up to this point has been a GOD DAMN LIE!

I put myself last as my friends come first to me and that always blows up in my face, that is great. I just don’t know anymore. ANYTHING can end a “friendship” It’s like walking on a minefield and I don’t get it..I just don’t get it anymore..I really don’t and it’s depressing as all hell..

What can I even do? I feel like being myself or being me is good and only good for getting me in trouble with anyone, and I really do feel like being “ME” is not worth it.. Do I just wear a fake smile to keep people happy? The answer would seem to be yes.

I feel like the point of things I did is gone. What is the point of doing things if it will push people away. I feel like leaving social media as a whole would be for the best at this point.

It really does feel pointless cause it will just happen again, I am just doomed to upset people and that is a fact….I will end up doing something and watching it blow up in my face..

I could rant or vent on twitter and be open book about my true feelings and be blunt, but all that will do is annoy people and hurt them and just stress me the fuck out again.

I could share my thoughts but that is going to do is cause me more problems and stress but stress is always great…Oh wait, it’s not

I feel like no matter what I do, say or try. Something ALWAYS GOES WRONG, IT ALWAYS GOES WRONG. It would be funny if something could go right…But I am too hopeful. I could try my best to not hurt someone but still end up hurting someone..

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. To be honest, there is no halfway here. I will say it again. What the hell happened to this generation? Drama was the only means of losing friends back then.

But now having a different opinions, ranting, overthinking something or anything really is enough to lose friends or start shit these days and it’s sad to know that it now takes almost no effort to lose a friend.

And I lost more friends before in the past and it’s great to know that it’s simple to lose friends by being yourself but it’s not great and it fucking sucks..

And that hurts the most that knowing I could hurt someone by ranting or being “myself” I can push someone away cause of that.

Before anyone says “This is life, get out of your bubble.” I guess this is my wake up call for me to see this world in a negative light. What can I even say or do without upsetting someone, I don’t fucking know..I just don’t know but I’m ready to give up.

I feel like the only haven left where I can’t hurt anyone or upset anyone with me around is tumblr.. But that won’t last. I’m just stressed and depressed. If you want to talk to me I think it’s best for me to stay away from Social media for the time being.

If you are reading this on Twitter. Don’t do anything on my behalf. But don’t expect me back on Twitter or Twitch or Discord for a while. I am sorry that I have been like this. I just think this is a better option to stay away.

After my mental break, I’m in a really bad place. I don’t know how stable I am at the moment or if I am “stable”, so, Social media would be a very bad idea.

NO, I’m not playing victim. I have always seen myself as a failure and a fuck up but I hide my emotions from everyone, which is why you think I am a “Nice guy” or a “asshole”

But, you know I tend to fuck up. But that’s me. I am just lost but I doubt you care but that’s ok. I’m not worth the time anyway. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up from, but it’s not. It’s life, and with life, you never know what you do could upset someone or hurt someone till it’s too late.

And I was really on edge, the fact I had no sleep for these past days, since I couldn’t sleep anymore and being stressed out to the breaking point didn’t help

Sigh, now in to darker parts of my mind.

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I would see normally see a silver lining in this mess I made, but I don’t see any silver lining here. If no one is mad, great but I am still a fuck up. A failure who ends up saying dumb shit. My rants are worthless, My thoughts are stupid, like me. I love being called a great friend… I am no great friend. I’m a piece of shit.

I am like the “Daisy Trash” meme, I am trash and I should be in trash.. I don’t get why you call me a friend or a good friend or follow me..I’m not normal like most, why bother with me, to be honest. You are wasting your time. I’m not normal, I’m not original, I’m not even funny or fun.

I’m dull and boring. I’m weird, I don’t do anything special, i’m just a nobody.. If I get back on Twitter, I will just lose another friend or come close to losing a friend or upset someone else and will just show how much of a failure I really am.. I don’t know why keep trying at this point, I should delete everything but I won’t. Holding on to what little of sanity I have left, is keeping me from deleting everything and it’s keeping me from doing something stupid.

Maybe I should just be a emotionless person with a fake smile, I am sure that will make things better and make people happy, if people are happy then that’s what matters to me.

Friends say I should tell them my problems, would that really do anything? No, It would only make their day a little worst or it would make some worry for no reason and I can’t have that. But I’m just being a pessimist about that. And maybe open up to those I trust.

Maybe…Just maybe, I could “win” by not being myself, I am so tired of things blowing up in my face but being emotionless then I can no longer upset anyone or hurt friends anymore.

When the hell did subtweeting become a new means to losing a friend or upsetting anyone..? People sub tweet all the time and they stay friends afterwards. Maybe, I am better off making a new protected account, this way, I can’t hurt anyone or friends with my worthless rants and dumb thoughts or my bad opinions.

But I can’t do anything right and I guess that’s why I don’t want to make friends cause I know when I open up to them and be the real “me”, it will push them away or upset them or I end up hurting those I care and then they are gone, like they were never here..

I seen comments like “They are not good friends” They are good friends..I’m the problem here. Me, not them. I am just unlucky one here.

You could rant about me or vent about me or even sub tweet about me and the most I would do is feel annoyed but I wouldn’t choose to end my friendship over that cause real friends wouldn’t let petty words bother them to such a way that it ends a friendship.. But maybe that is some made up fantasy I dream of everyday….

Which I look, just like my fantasy, I don’t fit in nowhere. Twitter, Twitch, Discord, Facebook. If I was somewhat normal, then I could fit in but that feels like a nightmare. I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s a nagging feeling that bothers me, no matter where I go on social media.

I always push those away when I be myself, do I fit in this world? No, not really. Each year that comes, I lose friends or best friends and people say “it’s their loss”, but it’s mine loss in the end of the day. They come and then go, nothing I can do but just sit by and watch.. It’s going to happen, everyone is going to go, sooner or later, and it will be my fault. I will be the reason they leave. And I will be all alone, a failure needs- No, a failure has no friends, a failure like me deserves to die alone and be forgotten.

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When the day come where people can fit in anywhere, share their opinions without worry of starting fights or drama. Hell, being able to share their thoughts or even rant or vent about others without fear of losing one dear to them because they didn’t have thick skin

A place where I could even fit in. A place where there is no drama over having complete different opinions, where sub tweeting would be there as a means to vent or rant.

A world where those who are famous will put their friends first and not last.. Where friends are no longer seen as tools but as people or human beings among other people that all have a purpose in this life.

A place where we don’t get tossed under the bus and forgotten like trash,

Maybe one day, we can grow thick skin and no longer just take things at face value, be able to have longer lasting friendships… But no such place exist and it WILL never exist. It’s one dream that will never come true no matter how much you wish for it. It’s false hope like being a optimist, you’re only lying to yourself… Like I been doing my whole life as being a optimist.. I thought being a optimist would make life better for me but it was a beautiful lie, at the very least..

Well, I will see how things play out, I don’t see anything good happening anytime soon. Assuming I don’t delete anything in the time frame. I just need time to think what I want to do and time alone.

I’m not mad at anyone, I am just mad at myself. I hate myself for being trash and useless and I’m a failure to my friends and girlfriend and a insensitive idiot..

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart to anyone I hurt deeply or upset anyone and for the things I said and done. You won’t see me for a while on any social sites till I am stable enough… I guess I was never ok, putting on a mask and smiling helps make the pain go away, only for so long..

Don’t worry, I’m alive but I’m “meh”, if anyone asks. Like I said before…Just thinking what I want to do with my life when I feel somewhat better and mentally stable again.

So, in the time being, you won’t find me online anywhere, don’t bother or worry yourself. During this time, I’m focusing on getting better and learning game development and taking a break from twitter / social was much needed. Give me a week, I should be mentally stable by then, if not, then, more time may be needed.

If I post this, then 3 or 4 days have passed since. Meaning, what you see may not be the current. Or may be outdated. But think of a status update. This will be the only time you will ever see what’s truly on my mind, or if I have another mental breakdown..

My breakdown has ended, I am in a “better” state of mind,
but I am still too unable for the time being. Still depressed to some point but working on it.

I should make this clear, I’m not looking for sympathy by posting this, The stuff I done and say earns me no
sympathy

in any way, shape or form.

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I can only hope that this won’t get taken at face value or
misinterpret. I stand by everything I said. I am trash. And I’m sorry again. I fear that this will bring me more trouble then wanted, I can only assume the best here. right?

I will answer all DMs / Discord pms and messages when I get back to my stable self. (If there is any)

Now, goodbye, from the edgelord. Take care and be safe all.